if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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