I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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