found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
