Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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