Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
