Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
