$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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