So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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