I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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