I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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