I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
