He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
