I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
