happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
