I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
