She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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