it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Everyone says I win the strip club
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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