I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
