Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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