she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
