The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
