i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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