Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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