i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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