i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
