I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
