hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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