I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is the high leading the old right now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
