What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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