My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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