girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
