You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
