So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
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I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
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I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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