seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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