sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I will pee on everything he values.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
