My hand turned me down
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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