I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
