We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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