If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
