Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My cat gives me a boner
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
