yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize