I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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