I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You can't motorboat a personality
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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