I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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