I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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