my sisters under your porch take her home
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
