Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
be right there i have to get my cape
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
