Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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