we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
