Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
