ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
