I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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