I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
