the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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