broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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